I’m entirely employed by the NHS, but I’m also an academic. There has been a conflict between the two recently, that I hadn’t realised was a conflict in the first place. I’m now facing issues with my organization, which has had a toll on my mental health. My integrity and honesty are being questioned which is very upsetting and stressful. On top of that, I’ve had long covid for two and a half years and have just gotten back to work. Between what’s going on, being sick, going back to work, and the stress of moving to another city and other ordinary life events that bring additional stress, I’ve been very distressed these past few months, and I’m really struggling right now.
I am a Christian. My faith helps me push through. I have a firm belief that God is in control, even when I’m not. And these last few months, I haven’t been in control. I have lost control of my body with long covid. It’s so hard to explain to people, but my body has become so unpredictable. I can’t cycle anymore. I would walk and I’d feel breathless. It happens when it wants to happen. Sometimes I’d be fine, and the next minute I’m too tired and need to lie in bed. I’ve struggled with both the physical and mental health sides of it. I’ve had depression before, and I know that I am vulnerable to it. The fact that I feel emotions and people’s emotions strongly might play a part in it. I’ve battled with depression a few times these past six months and it’s all been very hard, and I also have overwhelming anxiety. This loss of control over my body, the situation, and knowing where you are in the world creates a lot of anxiety. But I have a motto: never waste suffering. When something happens, when it gets bad, I try to learn from it.
The book Prayers that Avail Much helps me go through hard times. It’s a thin, leather-bound book. There is a prayer in it, which is about putting on the armor of God. Every day, I try to put on the armor of God, which is a way to prepare myself for whatever challenges the day might bring. This book talks a lot about healing too, and I find it very helpful and insightful.
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